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It All Ends. Then It Begins Again.

AS we entered the new year, I had a few Friends and Family over to the house to watch the ball drop on television. During dinner, my sister’s fiance asked me if I had any resolutions for the new year. Normally I’d have a long list that I’d prepare a couple of weeks in advance in an attempt to “get my life together.” This time, I looked at him and said, nope. Nada one.

I was surprised that the words and carefree attitude rolled off my tongue and manifested in my body language so easily — and with that, not a care in the world. I didn’t feel the need to grab my journal after everyone left and scribble down a list that I’d look at in March and regret that I put the time into even putting the list together in the first place.

That was 2 days ago. I happened to wake up on new year’s day in a weird, somber mood. I was awakened by a nosebleed (that hasn’t happened in years) and I spent much of the morning watching YouTube videos of Mac Miller (who passed away of a drug overdose in 2018).

I came across a video that spoke about how the process of creating resolutions leads many to anxiety and a sense of failure, so I gave that a few minutes of my morning. (The year — and the day — got off to a weird start…) I have experienced that anxiety and sense of failure year in and year out in the past.

As the day progressed, I decided to get out of the funk and celebrate life. I played some video games with my youngling. We took a trip down memory lane with 5 straight hours of Skylanders Trap Team. Good times!

So, as I write this, I have decided not to give into the impulse. I will instead focus on becoming a motion graphics designer and be grateful each day for the ability to put one foot in front of the other. I will continue to meditate daily and take my morning walks. I will spend more time sketching and working on character design and may even do a little music production if the mood strikes me.

Instead of creating resolutions, I will document the things that I accomplished. I have realized that we put so much undue pressure on ourselves to achieve this perfect little vision we have for ourselves. Only when we open ourselves up to the bigger picture and allow life to come in, do we truly achieve magnificent things.

I guess as I look back, I created a resolution to live.